Re: Letter to a friend
Dear friend,
it is not easy to write to you anymore, especially because you are not going to read this or understand any of it. I write to you, because I don't dare to write to myself. Yes, I don't dare write a letter to myself underlining what I have done, why and why shouldn't I have done that. I also don't dare tell myself that there have been certain things I haven't done, explain myself why and also why I should have done them!
I realized that instead of solving problems, I ignore them. It is not a good thing to do, but it is easier to run away than facing one's own ghost. Strange, I find myself very much like another friend of mine, whom I love so much, but always disapprove of such behaviour. Am I influenced, or is there something wrong with the kind of problem.
I guess everytime we have a problem, we think about life, about adulthood, about everything, but that problem. Don't ask what that is, I will probably say it in a slippery way, just a hint, or throw it like a bomb in front of your face. My bombs have a strange echo, it hurts, although I wouldn't like that, it will hurt.
I cannot pretend anymore that it doesn't exist, but ironically now that I realized that, I don't have time for that. I have become rational with my time and my nerves. If I see something is going to cause me stress and "inquietudine", I prefer to handle that later. Hhaahahhhaha. Remember Rosella O'Hara? "Tomorrow is another day! I will find a way tomorrow! Now I have Tara!"
However, for a past centuries girl it was easy to find her loyalties and her eternal attachments. I don't have the same luck. Watch out! I didn't say "Good or Bad Luck", just luck. That should tell you I am not longing to have lived in the past, but in a different dimension.
Dimensions are strange: you shift from one to the other and you realize the move too late to make any difference in your way of thinking and behaving. It is too late: you have lost your past innocence.
I have tried several times to find and fight innocence back, but it seems to me there is none left in the world. Or that it is so small and diminishing everyday and I see little hope for some in the future, my future.
Well, knowing that, where you are, I thought it would make a difference. I thought I would calm down. I am not! I should have realized long ago that with knowledge comes responsibility and pretending that it is not important for you, does not free you from your responsibilities. At this point, there isn't much I can carry, but I have to and I cannot wait till I am done.
Strange enough I might follow your geographical path. My sixth sense tells me I will be there while you will be back, so once again we will miss each other.
Strange how two people meet at a certain point in space and time, split thinking they will meet soon and never do so. It hurts less I guess, when death or something like that prevents the meeting, but what if the obstacle is one's unwillingness? Yeah right, at that point you start with your doubts, whether you are good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, funny enough, rich enough, poetic enough, in short enough for the other one. At the same time you feel dirty and disgusted: Why should you meet certain criteria? Who settled those criteria and why are they irrelevant all of a sudden but with someone else?
There is no response they say, but a truth seeker does not accept that for an answer, although s/he stops asking questions around and rings his/her own bells of analysis and understanding. Knowledge comes in handy. But we already said knowledge brings responsibility and responsibility expects you to be ready for it, otherwise you will be squashed! Pressure is something you would like to be under, never!
So, I will also stop putting pressure on you, as well. There is no hidden message, no hint, no cry for help or advice. In the end, I wrote this letter to you, because I didn't dare write one to myself.
So be well my dear and remember me in your dreams every so often. Don't tell me about it, otherwise the good taste a beautiful dream leaves behind will disappear. Don't lose good taste, it is one of the few things in life that will always give pleasure. Enjoy your dreams, enjoy me in your dreams. I will never be comparable in real life to the image in your dreams, but I will be happy, if in an other dimension I am a better self, living a better life. Enjoy your dreams, enjoy me in your dreams. I will know when you do, I will feel it, I will taste it.
))