Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

R

romeo

Forumium maestatis
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

Un giorno Berlusconi si reca dal parroco della propria Comunita' e gli
dice:
"Buon giorno signor parroco, mi vorrei confessare"
- "Certo figliolo, qual e' il tuo nome?"
-" Silvio Berlusconi, padre"
- "Ah! Il Presidente del Consiglio. Ascolta figliolo, mi pare proprio
che il tuo caso richieda una competenza superiore, credo sia meglio che
tu ti rechi dal Vescovo."
Cosi' Berlusconi si presenta dal Vescovo chiedendogli se lo poteva
confessare.
-"Certo figliolo, come ti chiami?"
-"Silvio Berlusconi"
- "Il Presidente del Consiglio? No caro mio, non ti posso confessare
perche' il tuo e' un caso difficile, e' meglio che tu vada in Vaticano."
Berlusconi va dal Papa:
-" Sua Santita', voglio confessarmi"
- "Caro figlio mio, come ti chiami?"
-"Silvio Berlusconi"
- " ahi, ahi, ahi, figliolo, il tuo caso e' molto difficile anche per
me. Guarda, qui, sul lato del Vaticano, c'e' una piccola cappella. Al
suo interno troverai una croce il Signore ti potra'
ascoltare".
Berlusconi, giunto nella cappella, si rivolge alla croce:
-"Signore, vengo a confessarmi"
-"Certo figlio mio, come ti chiami?"
-" Silvio Berlusconi"
- "Ma chi il Presidente del Consiglio, il Presidente del Milan, il
Presidente di Mediaset, l'amico di Craxi, l'amico di Previti, l'amico di
Dell'Utri, quello condannato a 28 mesi di carcere per finanziamento
illecito ai partiti e mai andato in galera perche' il reato ando' in
prescrizione, quello con il fratello che se la cava grazie al
patteggiamento, quello che va in chiesa ma e' divorziato, l'operaio, o
quello con dei processi in corso su concussione, associazione a
delinquere, corruzione, falso in bilancio, abigeato?"
- "Ehm sono sempre io, signore"
- " Figlio mio, non hai bisogno di confessare, tu devi solamente
ringraziare"
-" Ringraziare? e chi?"
- " I Romani per avermi inchiodato qui, altrimenti scendevo e ti facevo
un culo cosi'!!!!!
NOTA: TUTTI GLI ITALIANI CHE RICEVERANNO QUESTA COMUNICAZIONE HANNO
L'OBBLIGO CIVILE E MORALE DI INVIARLA A 10 AMICI : NON SIA MAI CHE
QUALCUNO LO VOTI DI NUOVO.
 
E

edda

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

Due amiche, una siciliana, l'altra della Val di Non, si laureano dopo anni di studi e di fatiche. Si salutano e ognuna torna nella propria città. Dopo qualche mese la siciliana chiama l'amica e la invita al suo matrimonio. E l'altra: "ma come..... Già ti sposi?
Congratulazioni. Vorrei venire ma..... il tragitto è lungo e non saprei come trovare i soldi per prendere l'aereo e raggiungerti!" La siciliana le risponde: "nessun problema, manderò a prenderti il mio aereo personale. Sarò felicissima di averti alle mie nozze!" La nonesa sconvolta le chiede come diavolo faccia ad avere un aereo personale, visto che solo fino a qualche mese prima era senza un centesimo. "Sai" le spiega la siciliana "una mattina mi sono alzata, ho aperto le finestre, ho visto a destra le arance, a sinistra i mandarini, ho inventato i mandaranci e ho fatto una barca di soldi!!!!" La nonesa scende in Sicilia, il matrimonio è pomposo e tremendamente dispendioso. Dopo qualche mese è la nonesa a chiamare l'amica. La invita al suo matrimonio e le dice: "tranquilla, Carmela, anche se i soldi non ti mancano voglio ricambiare il favore. Ti farò venire a prendere con il mio aereo personale!" La siciliana è sconvoltissima e le chiede spiegazioni. "Sai", spiega la nonesa "una mattina mi sono alzata, ho aperto la finestra, a destra avevo pomi, a sinistra pini e....."

p.s. pomi sono i pomodori in dialetto trentino
 
H

Hermesss

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

Sid and Al, both Jews, were dining in a Chinese restaurant.
During their conversation Sid asked Al. "Are there any Jews in China ?"
"I don't know" replied Al. "Why don't we ask our Chinese waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there Chinese Jews ?"
The waiter said : "I don't know sir, let me ask" and went into the kitchen.
He returned a few minutes later and said, "No sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I check again, sir", replied the waiter and went back to the kitchen.
While he was gone, Sid said to Al : "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China, Our people are scattered everywhere."
At this point the waiter returned : "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure, man ?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
Exasperated, the waiter frantically said : "Sir, I asked everyone! We have Apple Jews, Orange Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews. But no one hear of Chinese Jews!"
................

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own handwriting to
let him know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and all that it appeared to contain was a coded message:

370HSSV 0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to
the CIA. No one could solve it, so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... The list got longer and longer.
Eventually they asked the Mossad in Israel for help. Asst Foreign Affairs Director Avi Bar-Lev took one look at the message and replied:
"Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

...............
Wal-Mart Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Ernie says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Ernie deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Ernie began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap
water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Ernie hurried back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with antifungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better".
 
S

swatch

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

E Dio creo' la Mucca e disse: "Dovrai andare nei campi con il Contadino, soffrire tutto il giorno sotto il Sole , figliare in continuazione e farti spremere tutto il Latte possibile: ti concedo un'aspettativa di vita di 60 anni". La Mucca rispose: "Una vita cosi' disgraziata me la vuoi far vivere per 60 anni? Guarda, 20 anni vanno benissimo, tieni pure gli altri 40".
E cosi fu.
E Dio creo' il Cane e disse:"Dovrai sedere tutto il giorno dietro l'ingresso della casa dell'uomo, abbaiando a chiunque si avvicini. Ti assegno un'aspettativa di vita di 20 anni". Il Cane replico': "20 anni a rompermi le palle e a romperle agli altri? Guarda, 10 sono piu' che sufficienti, tieniti pure gli altri".
E cosi fu.
E Dio creo' la Scimmia e disse: "Dovrai divertire la gente, fare il pagliaccio ed assumere le espressioni piu' idiote per farla ridere. Vivrai 20 anni". La Scimmia obietto':" 20 anni a fare il cretino? Mi associo al cane e te ne restituisco 10".
E cosi fu.
Infine, Dio creo' l'Uomo e disse:"Tu non lavorerai, non farai altro che mangare, dormire, trombare e divertirti come un matto. Ti assegnero 20 anni di vita". E l'Uomo, implorante: "Come, 20 anni....solo 20 anni di questo bengodi? Senti, ho saputo che la Mucca ti ha restituito 40 anni, il Cane 10 e la Scimmia altri 10, sommati ai miei 20 farebbero 80, dalli tutti a me!"
E cosi fu.
Ecco perche' per i primi 20 anni della nostra vita non facciamo altro che mangiare, dormire, giocare, trombare, godercela e non fare un ***** , per i successi 40 lavoriamo come bestie per mantenere la famiglia, per gli ulteriori 10 facciamo i cretini per far divertire i nipotini e gli ultimi 10 li passiamo rompendo le palle a tutti.
 
H

hasan aga

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

-what`s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
-After a year,the dog will still be excited to see you!!!
 
S

swatch

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

Nel 1825 in Brasile un gruppo di terroristi entro' in una scuola. Agli studenti dissero: "Non fate un passo o i vostri professori moriranno!" Fu cosi' che nacque la samba.
 
H

Hermesss

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTER
> >
> > Dearest Samantha,
> >
> > I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since
> > Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.
> >
> > With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001
> at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love
> > affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months
and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.
> >
> > Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous
> > relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to
> > promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and
> > entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based
> on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.
> >
> > I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter,
> > failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I
> > shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could
forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
> >
> > Thanking you in anticipation.
> >
> > Yours sincerely, Max
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER
> >
> > Dear Max,
> >
> > Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I
> > hope to accept your proposal for romance.
> >
> > However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of
> > acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please
> > enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.
> >
> > I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to
> > this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or
> > consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary
> > compensation according to union standards.
> >
> > Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense
> > account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP'. I shall be
> > entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in
> > order and nothing less than a Jaguar is in order.
> >
> > Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed
> > on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on
> > an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
> >
> > Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
> >
> > Yours perhaps, Samantha!
 
S

swatch

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

- Qual e' la differenza tra fidanzamento e divorzio?
- Uno e' fare la corte, l'altro e' stare in corte.
 
I

Iness

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

There is this good old barber in some city in the US.
One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes
to pay
the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept
money from
you.
I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the
shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a
thank you
card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber
after the
cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money
from you. I
am doing community service." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The
next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you
card and
a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
An Albanian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes
to pay the
barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot
accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Albanian software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there ...


Can you guess?

Do you know the answer yet?
Come on, think like an albanian...


... a dozen Albanians waiting for a free haircut!
 
G

genci#2

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

/pf/images/graemlins/laugh.gif /pf/images/graemlins/laugh.gif /pf/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
 
S

swatch

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

La madre dice al figlio:"Stasera cosa fai?" E il figlio " Esco con due amiche"
"Farai tardi?"
"Penso di si"
"E le chiavi?"
"Non lo so,mamma,le conosco appena!"
 
S

swatch

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

Prima notte di nozze.
Lei:"Perche' ti sei coperto il pistolino con il giornale?"
Lui:"Lo sai come sono i giornali, una cosa minima la fanno sembrare enorme...."
 
E

Eni_883

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

Feminist Fairytale


Once upon a time,
In a land far away,
A beautiful independent
Self-assured princess
Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess's lap
And said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you,however,
And I will turn back
Into a dapper, young prince that I am
And then, my sweet, we can marry
And setup housekeeping in yon castle
With my mother,
Where you can prepare my meals,
Clean my clothes, bear my children
And forever feel grateful and happy
Doing so.
That night,
On a repast of lightly sauteed frogs' legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,
She chuckled to herself and thought:
I don't think so!
 
N

Never Alone

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

Management Lessons
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and
ate it.

Management Lesson To be sitting and doing nothing, you
must be sitting very, very, very high up.

**********************************************************************
Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy.

Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally
after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson ******** might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.

**********************************************************************
Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole
body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain.

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all
the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on within the heart, the lungs and the
eyes until finally the ******* spoke up. All the parts laughed
at the idea of the ******* being the Boss. So the ******* went
on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short
time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the
heart and lungs began to panic and the brain
fevered. Eventually they all decided that the ******* should
be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts
did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson

You don't need brains to be a Boss - any ******* will do.
**********************************************************************
Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the
bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was
lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of warm cow dung, it began
to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him
out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
 
N

Never Alone

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken.
*Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball ot basebll star.

*When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwhiches, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie.

*Women can stand to be wrong, while men make excuses about ''misunderstanding'' and some how it is always the women's fault.

*When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and snorts, while he gobbles down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show while dancing and socializing with friends.

*When women stay in the bathroom for over 45 seconds, men assume that something is wrong, and walk in to examine.

*Women understand about privacy, and don't come in until 2 hours have passed.

*Women understand that babies do not come from a stork.

*When in a hospital, women will share all emotions. While men, being the ''tough'' guys that they are, will ''stay calm'' until someone finally notices that he has wet the chair he is sitting in.

*Women love to help. Men feel you want commitment when you ask to do the dishes...
 
N

Never Alone

Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale

It's a Man's World

How many men does it take to open a beer?

- None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

- Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?

- It allows them to stand closer to the sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

- She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?

- It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?

- Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

- The dog. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

- A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.

- I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!

- I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

- It's called wedding cake.

Marriage is a three ring circus:

- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

- I said, "Dust!"


Why do men die before their wives?

- They want to.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds section with the heading "Wife Wanted."

- The next day he received a hundred letters saying "You can have mine."
 
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