Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
- Thread starter Elian
- Data e fillimit
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
nejse po them ne un nji...
the Argument
Woman: Dear what would u do if i die?
Man : why do u think of this? Let's eat dinner
Woman: ok... but i want to know
Man: ok go on ..
Woman: would u remarry?
Man: No
Woman: yea ok.. Liar say yes... u can't stay for the rest of your life single!
Man: ok.. i lied.. Maybe
Woman: no maybe say yes!
Man: ok ok YES!!
Woman: will u take her to our house?
Man: well....
Woman: will u sleep with her on our bed?
Man: well where else...
Woman: Will u let her mess with my cooking dishes?
Man: dear ... i don't know how u got this topic... no i won't let her!
Woman: will u let her use my baseball stuff?
Man : NO
Woman: why?
Man: she's left-handed
Woman:...( pause)
Man:.. SHIT!!!
nejse po them ne un nji...
the Argument
Woman: Dear what would u do if i die?
Man : why do u think of this? Let's eat dinner
Woman: ok... but i want to know
Man: ok go on ..
Woman: would u remarry?
Man: No
Woman: yea ok.. Liar say yes... u can't stay for the rest of your life single!
Man: ok.. i lied.. Maybe
Woman: no maybe say yes!
Man: ok ok YES!!
Woman: will u take her to our house?
Man: well....
Woman: will u sleep with her on our bed?
Man: well where else...
Woman: Will u let her mess with my cooking dishes?
Man: dear ... i don't know how u got this topic... no i won't let her!
Woman: will u let her use my baseball stuff?
Man : NO
Woman: why?
Man: she's left-handed
Woman:...( pause)
Man:.. SHIT!!!
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Oh, come on, D i c k, we're leaving!"
Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers: "Oh, come on, D i c k, we're leaving!"
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
short jokes
A man marries a deaf girl. He mimes: "let's make a code: if I want sex, I will squeeze your breast. In response, you can pull my penis once for Yes, and 50 times for No"
===========================================
John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral".
John says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say **** you, and she says:**** you too"
==========================================
The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
==========================================
"I am your Doctor. sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.
Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it"
=========================================
YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!
==========================================
A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"
========================================
Question: "what's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?"
Answer: "BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"
=======================================
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally realized with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth buying the whole pig.
short jokes
A man marries a deaf girl. He mimes: "let's make a code: if I want sex, I will squeeze your breast. In response, you can pull my penis once for Yes, and 50 times for No"
===========================================
John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"
Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral".
John says: "what is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say **** you, and she says:**** you too"
==========================================
The 3 tragedies in a man's life:
1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
==========================================
"I am your Doctor. sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.
Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it"
=========================================
YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was raped.
TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the park!
==========================================
A lady tells her Man: "I demand good manners in bed, just like at the dinner table".
The man climbs into bed slowly and says: "Honey, would you please pass me the vagina?"
========================================
Question: "what's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who satisfies his wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?"
Answer: "BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"
=======================================
Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage as they finally realized with wisdom that for 60 grams of sausage, it is not worth buying the whole pig.
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART I
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
xhaxhi_eli
Primus registratum
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
Una studentessa di medicina in sede di laurea viene interrogata dal
professore di anatomia il quale le chiede di parlarle degli organi genitali
maschili e femminili. La giovane comincia quindi parlando degli organi
genitali
maschili ed espone: "l'organo genitale maschile si chiama pene, ecc...
durante
l'atto sessuale gonfiandosi di sangue va in erezione raggiungendo in media
la lunghezza di 35 - 40 cm...". Il prof la guarda sbigottito e pensa tra
se e se: "Mah?!?", comunque la lascia parlare e le chiede quindi di passare
a quelli femminili.
La studentessa comincia: "l'organo genitale femminile si chiama vagina,
ecc... durante l'atto sessuale stimolandosi produce delle secrezioni che
favoriscono la penetrazione che si chiamano ...succhi gastrici!!!" Il
professore
questa volta non riesce a trattenersi ed esclama: A signori' e te credo
che a te ce vogliono i succhi gastrici... se per te a media so 35 - 40 cm
c'hai certi cazzi da digeri'....!
Una studentessa di medicina in sede di laurea viene interrogata dal
professore di anatomia il quale le chiede di parlarle degli organi genitali
maschili e femminili. La giovane comincia quindi parlando degli organi
genitali
maschili ed espone: "l'organo genitale maschile si chiama pene, ecc...
durante
l'atto sessuale gonfiandosi di sangue va in erezione raggiungendo in media
la lunghezza di 35 - 40 cm...". Il prof la guarda sbigottito e pensa tra
se e se: "Mah?!?", comunque la lascia parlare e le chiede quindi di passare
a quelli femminili.
La studentessa comincia: "l'organo genitale femminile si chiama vagina,
ecc... durante l'atto sessuale stimolandosi produce delle secrezioni che
favoriscono la penetrazione che si chiamano ...succhi gastrici!!!" Il
professore
questa volta non riesce a trattenersi ed esclama: A signori' e te credo
che a te ce vogliono i succhi gastrici... se per te a media so 35 - 40 cm
c'hai certi cazzi da digeri'....!
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
Frankenstein per qualche strano motivo si ritrova a gironzolare di notte per le strade della città vecchia di Bari terrorizzando tutte le persone gridando "FRANKENSTEIN!!!"
Ad un certo punto una vecchietta esce dalla porta di casa sua e guarda arrabbiata il mostro negli occhi.
Allora il mostro ripete anche a lei: "FRANKENSTEIN!"
E la vecchia:
- No, Franc nun stein ye sciut alla partit! (in dialetto barese: "No, Franco non c'è, è andato alla partita!")
Frankenstein per qualche strano motivo si ritrova a gironzolare di notte per le strade della città vecchia di Bari terrorizzando tutte le persone gridando "FRANKENSTEIN!!!"
Ad un certo punto una vecchietta esce dalla porta di casa sua e guarda arrabbiata il mostro negli occhi.
Allora il mostro ripete anche a lei: "FRANKENSTEIN!"
E la vecchia:
- No, Franc nun stein ye sciut alla partit! (in dialetto barese: "No, Franco non c'è, è andato alla partita!")
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
Saddam domandò a Dio:
- Come sarà l'Iraq fra 4 anni?
E Dio gli rispose:
- Sarà distrutto da innumerevoli bombe lanciate dagli americani!
Saddam sedette a terra, piangendo disperato.
Bush domandò a Dio:
- Come saranno gli Stati Uniti fra 4 anni?
E Dio rispose:
- Saranno completamente contaminati da innumerevoli attacchi di bombe chimiche di Bin Laden!
Bush si accasciò al suolo, piangendo disperato.
Alla fine Berlusconi domandò a Dio:
- Come sarà l'Italia fra 4 anni di mio governo?
Dio si accasciò al suolo e pianse disperato...
Saddam domandò a Dio:
- Come sarà l'Iraq fra 4 anni?
E Dio gli rispose:
- Sarà distrutto da innumerevoli bombe lanciate dagli americani!
Saddam sedette a terra, piangendo disperato.
Bush domandò a Dio:
- Come saranno gli Stati Uniti fra 4 anni?
E Dio rispose:
- Saranno completamente contaminati da innumerevoli attacchi di bombe chimiche di Bin Laden!
Bush si accasciò al suolo, piangendo disperato.
Alla fine Berlusconi domandò a Dio:
- Come sarà l'Italia fra 4 anni di mio governo?
Dio si accasciò al suolo e pianse disperato...
DriniS
Ecejak
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is his your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You
would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'
to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' You would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is his your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You
would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'
to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' You would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
The Wife's Cat
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
/pf/images/graemlins/laugh.gif /pf/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
The Wife's Cat
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
/pf/images/graemlins/laugh.gif /pf/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
meqenëse na përmendi gratë Drini më sipër, po ju jap një ndihmë gjithë meshkujve me këto shpjegimet e gjuhës sekrete të femrave... po t'i mbani mend këto, do e kuptoni shumë mirë të dashurën ose gruan
Fine:
This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
vijon...
meqenëse na përmendi gratë Drini më sipër, po ju jap një ndihmë gjithë meshkujve me këto shpjegimet e gjuhës sekrete të femrave... po t'i mbani mend këto, do e kuptoni shumë mirë të dashurën ose gruan
Fine:
This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
vijon...
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
The New Bull
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint' giving him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let
me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
The New Bull
Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows but I aint' giving him any of mine."
Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let
me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
Gjuha Sekrete e Femrave
e nisa për ta thënë me pjesë, po më doli një punë dhe u vonova; do ndahej në dy faqe, prandaj po e them të plotë këtu më mirë
Fine:
This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "You're welcome".
Thanks A Lot:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Gjuha Sekrete e Femrave
e nisa për ta thënë me pjesë, po më doli një punë dhe u vonova; do ndahej në dy faqe, prandaj po e them të plotë këtu më mirë
Fine:
This is the word women use at the end of any argument that they feel they are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before we take out the trash, so they feel that it's an even trade.
Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say "You're welcome".
Thanks A Lot:
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
kjo eshte pak a gjate, por duke qene se Darien nxori femrat po vazhdoj dhe une me dicka te ngjashme... /pf/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
Upgrading to Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.31 SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Unfortunately, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DrapeHanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness and has on occasion evoked the dreaded BSOD (Blue Screen of Death). Can you help?
Signed, Jane
--
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about,but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 Is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. It is definitely not designed for multi-tasking. Further, you cannot simply purge Husband 1.0 from your system and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any modification program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory and cannot readily accept new information or changes. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. (Look in your manual under "Warnings
ivorce/Resource Allocation.") You will notice that trying to install either of these programs (both of which, by the way, come pre-bundled with HeartBreak 1.3) will result in poor system performance, system conflict, and possible virus infection. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.
To activate this great feature enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. Husband 1.0 will then run efficiently for a few weeks before you start to notice repeat problems.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is an extremely disagreeable program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and wave files LoudSnore and NoxiousGas. All of these files are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember: Husband 1.0 will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but is plagued with memory and performance problems.
Consider buying additional software to enhance its functionality. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, Patience 10.1, and Appreciation 2.5. If you keep these utilities running in the background ready to be called when needed, Husband 1.0 will experience fewer system interrupts, crashes, and lockups. You will also notice after several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to install HisMotherlnLaw 1.0 as a resident program, even temporarily. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system due to high incompatibility issues. Until HisMotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled, Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
enjoy /pf/images/graemlins/smile.gif
kjo eshte pak a gjate, por duke qene se Darien nxori femrat po vazhdoj dhe une me dicka te ngjashme... /pf/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
Upgrading to Husband 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.31 SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
Unfortunately, Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DrapeHanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6.
I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all-purpose utility is of limited effectiveness and has on occasion evoked the dreaded BSOD (Blue Screen of Death). Can you help?
Signed, Jane
--
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about,but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However, Husband 1.0 Is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. It is definitely not designed for multi-tasking. Further, you cannot simply purge Husband 1.0 from your system and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any modification program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory and cannot readily accept new information or changes. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0 or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. (Look in your manual under "Warnings
ivorce/Resource Allocation.") You will notice that trying to install either of these programs (both of which, by the way, come pre-bundled with HeartBreak 1.3) will result in poor system performance, system conflict, and possible virus infection. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.
To activate this great feature enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME. Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. Husband 1.0 will then run efficiently for a few weeks before you start to notice repeat problems.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5 or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is an extremely disagreeable program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and wave files LoudSnore and NoxiousGas. All of these files are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember: Husband 1.0 will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but is plagued with memory and performance problems.
Consider buying additional software to enhance its functionality. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3, Patience 10.1, and Appreciation 2.5. If you keep these utilities running in the background ready to be called when needed, Husband 1.0 will experience fewer system interrupts, crashes, and lockups. You will also notice after several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, try to install HisMotherlnLaw 1.0 as a resident program, even temporarily. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system due to high incompatibility issues. Until HisMotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled, Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2.
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
enjoy /pf/images/graemlins/smile.gif
Re: Barcaleta ne gjuhen origjinale
Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
! Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
! Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.